Ask ZAK!

ZAK is a powerful mighty sage with the wisdom of 30 men. Although his words may sound suspiciously like the ravings of a old senile lunatic to you, they are not.

You have the rare opportunity to beseech this man for access to his vast cluttered closet of wisdom.

Simply click the link below and ask ZAK for guidance in any problem you may be facing.

Should you start a family? ASK ZAK!

Should you go back to school? ASK ZAK!

Should you trust the psychic from Queens with the fake Jamaican accent? ASK ZAK!

Romance, career, nonsense, general advice, whatever you throw at him, ZAK can handle.

From: Joel
Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 15:02:01 -0400
To: zapzak@teamspider.com
Subject: TEAM SPIDER!

Hey zak
i was wondering how in the bluefuck does one piece of trash like myself book
the great team spider for a show in toronto? if you could tell me how
i would GREATLY appreciate it...

joel

ZAK responds!

From:  ZAK
To:  Joel

nkjjkh    NO PROBLEMO,  SMOEL JOELLL;
BOOK US ON A SATURDAY, WHEN WE ARE FREE FROM WORK. PAY WELL SWELL AND WEÕLL
PLAYO LIKE HELLLL. YOUR GREEDY BUDDY, ZAK ALA TEAM SPIDER!!!!
&&^%&$$$$#$#@@n

From ###

Zak, 

I have a question.

Should I travel or stay in the town I live in now

Travel- I will have fun and do stuff I havent dont in a long time
Stay here- Keep playing in a band, get a job, and get a house

ITÕS UP TO YOU.

ZAK responds!

Dear ###,

 :     1: get a house;
       2; get a job;
       3; get a decent band:
       4; SEND $$$$
YOUR FINE-FEATHERED FRIEND ZAKKKKKKKKKK
   YOUR FINE-FEATHERED FRIEND, ZAKKKKK.
  u 
\\

Dear Zak,
    I have a serious masturbation problem. I wack it waaaay to much.
sometimes i give up hanging out with my friends just so i can wack it. I
gotta beat it atleast 3 times a day or until it gets sore and bloody. Is
there a problem with this or is it a normal thing for a 18 year old.

Thanks
 -Josh 

From:  ZAK
Dear Josh: 
you not only
need my abandoned urologist. You need to my psycho-psychologist.

 Your unwanted respondent, zazaakzzzakkkkkzzzzzaaaakkkkk.

From: "Jennifer Curran"

 To: ZAK

Subject: A question

Date: Wed, 6 Feb 2002 17:34:05 -0500

Dear ZAK,

 I feel that I am at a crossroads in my life, I don't      know which way to turn, and I could really use some wisdom from someone as      old as you. About ten years ago, I decided to stop eating potatoes but now      I find myself craving them. In my youth, I think I gave it up because of the      blatant cruelty to the plants, I mean farmers decimate the ENTIRE root system.      I don't know, maybe I was being too reactionary. Zak, if I start eating potatoes      again does it make me a sell out?

--desperately seeking spuds

ZAK Responds!:

Okay, Spuds:

Let's get to the so-called ROOT of the problem.

(No Sweat!) 3X

No! No! Problem!

Here's how we solve 'em.-

Stick to fries! Stick to fries!

Stick to Fine French Fries!!!

-ZAK